Hippo Bus!!!

Today was the last day I could spend with my friend Byla for a long time, so we decided to do something special to mark the occasion. Our dream was to ride the Hippo Bus, an amphibious vehicle that gives tours around Toronto. For a month, whenever I felt sad, or bored, or lonely, I would text Byla things like: "Woot woot, Hippo Bus." or "Guess what...Hippo Bus!!!!". I think what's so alluring about it is the thrilling potential of a horrible Hippo bus accident, because, seriously, buses should probably stay on land, even ones with cartoon Hippos drawn on the side. That might just be my opinion, but I think it's a good one.

Regardless of the safety of Hippo Buses, an important rule to live by is: check the price of tourist attractions before you get your heart set on them. I say this because we discovered the Hippo Bus is $38 a person. Pretty much, for $38 you get a 5 minute boat ride, because I'm sure the rest of the tour you're really just waiting to be in the water or wondering why the water part was not as cool as you'd expected it to be. I don't have the experience to know that for a fact though, because we quickly decided that the Hippo bus wasn't for us and instead went to the CN tower.

The CN tower has all the terror of the Hippo bus, but with the added bonus of a no-contact security systems that makes you feel like you're in the future. By the way, I just had to Google "security at the CN tower" to remember what it was called, so there is every chance I've been marked as a potential terrorist. If I stop posting, you should probably assume it's related to that...that or a bear attack. The glass floor is kind of fun, but would be better if it were cleaner, because I want to really imagine that I could fall. I think they should have a second glass floor that you can pay extra for that they carefully de-scuff every night for maximum terror (oh no, I just tried to Google "terror synonyms" because I didn't want to use it twice...this is not going to end well).

The CN tower is full of blatant lies, like the following:
I payed my extra 4 dollars to go up 33 stories and have the city bow to my awesome power, but nothing. I considered asking for my 4 dollars back, but didn't want to deal with the hassle. The point is, never trust anything the CN tower tells you, because it is a liar. Now, at least, I've saved you 4 dollars and a lot of disappointment.

While on the observation deck, I noticed this door:
Then I thought about how I'd walked the entire observation deck and had not noticed an exit route of any kind (well, none that wouldn't lead to immediate death) and was terrified by the futility of the so-called emergency exit. We decided it would be a good idea to take the elevator down shortly after this, which brought us directly into the gift shop, where I decided to take pictures of products I disliked, like this shirt:
How many children could honestly wear this shirt? Based on the father's size relative to the CN tower, it is clear that he is some sort of horrible gigantic mutant. That or a robot. Except, robots can't have children. So he's not a robot. Which brings us back to mutant. The worst thing about it is that giant mutant children probably can't even fit into a child sized t-shirt, so it's like the shirt is teasing them. Finally they find a shirt that accurately expresses their feelings about their giant dad and it's not available in their size. I thought I hated it the most until I saw this book:
Seriously, why do you need to say bears 3 times? And why is it in a CN tower gift shop? I came to this tourist attraction to be scared by heights, not by bears. Here I am, innocently walking around looking at various phallic souvenirs, and then, "Holy crap, 'Bears Bears Bears'"! No warning sign or anything. There is just no awareness of bear phobia in our society, it's ridiculous.

Speaking of phallic souvenirs, Byla commented on how our society has too many phallic symbols, and I said, "You're right, where are all the big hole tourist attractions?" Sometimes it seems that the universe is listening to me, because, within 30 seconds we came across this children's book:
That's my disturbed look. We left the gift shop shortly after that. I wondered if it might have been a better idea to just pay the $38 for the Hippo Bus.