I call it "Nice Cream"

I forgot until I posted yesterday that writing stuff is kind of fun. Well, it's fun-like, making it a good substitute for actual fun. Like eating protein powder, berries and soy milk all blended together instead of ice cream, which I also did last night. Currently, my life has plenty of fun, but less fun-like activities, so perhaps I'll try to blog more. Blog, and study random pharmaceuticals.

Also, I need to get a job, which can also be fun-like, which is why they make all those internet games and iPhone apps based on menial labour. Once, I was playing a lot of Diner Dash and decided to try to get a job at the Keg. I figured that my Diner Dash skills would transfer, and also, that it would be super fun, because, how could it not be? Unfortunately, at the time, I was a pretty serious vegan. This posed a problem, because I'm a bad liar, except for the rare times when I'm a really, really good liar. Being the sole herbivore in a room full of steak lovers was not one of those times.

Somehow, I managed to sneak my way through the initial recruiting interview to make it to the group interview. I quickly realized I was out of my league when they told us the mission statement, or maybe it was the vision statement, either way it was something similar to: "create an environment where steak lovers and their families can feel free to be themselves". At this point, my head screamed, "Interloper!" I was afraid my eyes would get too shifty, so I tried to stare at one spot until I realized staring is also a little suspicious and started carefully timing eye movements to avoid shifty or staring eyes. There's nothing like meticulously orchestrated eye movement to tell those around you, "I eat meat and I'm not an interloper at all. Please don't hurt me, it's hard to get sufficient protein so my muscles are quite weak and you will break me easily."

The end of this story is the part where I did not get the job, which is probably best because I couldn't have kept it up for long before I broke down and told them the truth. There probably would have been a lot of tears, and dramatic background music. Then a commercial break prior to me actually revealing my veganness (As well as playing excessive Diner Dash in my time, I've also watched far too much reality tv). This time things will go better, because I eat everything now. As long as I don't apply to anywhere with a "We steal candy from children" mission statement, I'll be fine. Even then, kids really don't need all that candy anyways. We are facing an obesity epidemic.

Cereal guy?

I had coffee with my friend Vincenzo O'Lun today. I was looking forward to it because he'd promised me drama and excitement when I ran into him earlier in the week. He also gave me the "call me" hand signal, which I found odd, since, as far as I can recollect, we've never once spoken on the phone, and I'm not eager to start due to my general hatred of the phone and its general insistance on making any awkward situation 10 times more awkward. Then he promised I would have plenty of blog material, which makes my life easier, because most nights I have to depend on excessive consumption of sugar and/or caffeine to derail my train of thought. But, if I have a good conversation with Vincenzo, or Yelsel D'Stupid, or some other not quite sane friend, it pretty much writes itself, therefore decreasing my risk of future diabetes.

Unfortunately Vincenzo kept putting things off limits, despite claiming he's an open book. We did get into a good discussion about how he's not sure how to break to his future wife that she'll have to help him clean disgustingly messy townhouse kitchens. He hasn't met her yet. I suggested he wait until the second date. I was surprised he was talking about marrying at all, since Yelsel (who's pretty close to Vincenzo, yet I never see them together, which is probably good, because the two of them combined would probably blow a fuse in my brain) said she was pretty sure he'd never get married. He's pretty sure this is because he once said that he'd absolutely need a king sized bed when he gets married. This somehow makes sense between the two of them. King sized bed = single forever.

He also can't be with a vegetarian. He didn't elaborate, but proceeded to say "my last girlfriend was a vegetarian...I think". "You think?" I said, "How long did you date?" Apparently they dated for 6 months, and yet he never figured out whether she ate meat, even though it seems to be a dealbreaker. "Well, we mainly got dessert." He was happy when they broke up, but still feels a little confused about why. "Maybe because you didn't even know she was a vegetarian? Did you even know her name?" At this point he struggled for a bit, I have to assume the final name he gave was real though, mostly because he had no reason to lie at this point.

I'm feeling a little boring today, but fear not. Sometimes, I will save random notes in my iPod about funny things for future use. Actually, I would continue to fear, because one of those notes was "Vegetarian", to describe the last story. Well, let's see what I have.

"Cereal Guy." What the hell does "cereal guy" mean? Oh wait, I think this is from the day I was walking to school and saw a guy carrying two plastic bags full of what appeared to be about 20 boxes of cereal. Then I thought, this could be something and wrote it down. It wasn't something.

"Tim Hortons...Freezer story...Lady Bugs" Okay, well, I worked at Tim Hortons in highschool, so there's probably some sort of story from that. Oh wait, freezer story, I think I might know this one. Once, when I was working at Tim Hortons, we were bored, so we drew a detailed diagram of our plan to chryogenically freeze our supervisor, Alli, in the walk-in freezer, so that we could clone her in the future, then take over the world, or something. Then our manager found it and thought we were talking about another Alli. When she heard we meant our supervisor she said "Oh, that's too bad, I don't really like the other one." Which I took to mean that she'd read it, thought it was a murder plan and was simply disappointed at who the intended victim was. No concern over the fact that multiple employees were plotting this together. This might be one reason why one should never work at Tim Hortons.

Lady bugs? Oh, wait, I think that's about my pet ladybugs. Once, as a kid, I was begging my parents for a pet. My dad found a ladybug on his shirt and said, "Fine, here's your pet." I named her Lucy and kept her in a shoebox with a window built in the top with plastic wrap. I filled the little top hat from Monopoly with water and built a ramp up with a little piece of cardboard. She would climb up the little ramp and lean over into the hat to drink. I fed her cucumber. It would slowly disappear, so I'm guessing she liked it. I found other ladybugs around the house (there was a bit of an infestation that year) and gradually added them to my shoebox. At some point, I had so many I stopped naming them because I couldn't tell them apart anymore. Eventually, they started dying, so I got a second box and started a ladybug graveyard. When that filled up with little cardboard crosses I decided it was probably time to set my ladybugs free. Then I was alone again. The moral: Just buy your kid the pet.

That's enough of the random iPod notes for today. Happy song! So, I'm listening to my iPod and somehow magically turned Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen on. Sometimes Shamus likes to play a game where he starts a song and I have to name it. I couldn't get this one as of last fall, but about a month ago, I was on an ice cream quest with Mickey Bobicky and sang the whole thing. Really, I just want to get to the lyric, "It's a town full of losers and I'm pulling out of here to win." Maybe that doesn't sound like a happy song, but it's pretty awesome when you're ready to blow this popsicle stand (I feel I underuse that phrase...maybe for good reason). The point is, "so long suckers" (...in a few months. Somehow that makes it lose its effect. Don't worry though, I'll probably just repeat it later, giving you many opportunities to be referred to as a sucker.)

What about cows?

Today I went on an adventure with my friend Yelsel D'Stupid (disguising names is hard, leave me alone). To be honest, just spending time with her is an adventure, because, based on countless interactions with her, I have come to the conclusion she has no mental filter. Or, at least, if she has one, she chooses not to use it most of the time.

For example, we were planning a camping trip and thought we should invite our friend Neyney Charmin (just be glad I don't get to name a small child...yet), and I said "It's a good idea to bring Neyney, because if a bear decides to eat us, it'll go for her first because she's a vegetarian, giving us some time to escape." I thought it was a well known fact that herbivores are generally more delicious than carnivores, but Yelsel seemed unaware of this and asked for more explanation. "Think about it," I said, "you don't really hear of people eating, say, wolf. Most things we eat don't eat meat." To which she said, "What about cows?"

For awhile, on this brilliantly sunny day, we ended up walking behind a woman in a raincoat. My suspicion is that she woke up and thought, "It looks like rain, I think I'll wear my yellow raincoat with my yellow shoes. Yes, that's a good idea." Then, after she realized that there was not a cloud in the sky she thought "Shit, if I take off my jacket, my shoes will just look stupid."



We met some people giving out Pringles Stix samples on the corner. This product confuses me. There are only two reasons I might eat Pringles. One is that I'm craving potato chips, but don't want to have to imagine that they have any relation to actual potatoes. The second is that I want to put two back to back in my mouth and pretend I'm a duck. Pringles Stix don't fulfill either of these criteria. Instead of a tenuous connection to potatoes, they have zero potato ingredients. Also, if you try to put two in your mouth to look like a duck, it's a lot of work and you end up looking like this:



That seagull was mocking me, so I imagined that I was crushing it's head with my giant beak. I also noted that Pringles Stix contained pork extract, which does have to go in the pro colum, because, as I mentioned earlier, there is an inverse relationship between meat consumption and deliciousness. They should include that in the advertising: "Pringles Stix: The snack of choice for people who don't want to be eaten by bears."

We also met a lot of rude people. When we went to sit and eat by the water some people started shouting "Ginger...hey ginger....ginger". As a redhead, I was highly offended and said to Yelsel, "Are they trying to mock me? Seriously, I have a name." She said they were trying to call their dog, but I watched carefully, and it had no response to that name. It wasn't even ginger.

Today, in a continuation of my lessons from the zoo, I learned about pigeon mating. It turns out that pigeons are not that different from giraffes when it comes to sex. From what I can gather, the male hangs out for awhile until he assumes that the female has stopped paying attention, then he suddenly goes for it and she's like "Seriously, how would I not notice that?" and runs/flies away. Then he repeats.

We sat for awhile watching this occur over and over again with completely uninterested females. Yelsel thought for awhile and then said, "I just don't get it. Why doesn't he just take the ones that are already bending over? That would make a lot more sense." I think that it is good that she is human and not a male pigeon, because there are already too many pigeons. Also, pigeons don't talk, and she amuses me.