Yashtastico!

Today is the wedding of Katarina Yashtatisco! So I am posting this now to ensure there is something, and if I squeeze in time, I will post something longer, but if I don't, no one can fault me because I posted this. Booyah.

The day began with the realization that I might not have a ride, followed by the realization that because my invitation to this wedding occurred on g-mail chat (because that's how we roll), I had no idea where or when it was. One might think you would work find out this information before the day of the wedding, but one is not me (well, sometimes it is, but this one isn't). I spent awhile frantically trying to figure things out before I realized that I had a ride all along and that I was simply confused. It was fitting, because once Katarina posted one of those Facebook pictures where you tag all your friends with labels like "the naughty one", "the evil genius", or "the narcoleptic one", and I was "the confused one". It's always nice to prove someone right on their wedding day. I am often confused. The only problem today was that Yashtastico is my favorite person to go to when confused, but she is also the most likely to destroy me today if I get in her way, because she is highly efficient and would not hesitate to smite me if my confusion slows things down. And since it is her wedding day, her smiting would be completely backed up by law. Or so I've heard. Mostly from her (okay, she never said that, but I imagine if I asked her, she would have, but I didn't ask her, because she already thinks/knows I'm the confused one).

Katarina and I have a wonderful history. Once, we starred in the school play as Reindeer 1 and Reindeer 2. We were pretty fantastic, mainly because our antlers had little bells on them that jingled as we walked/pranced. You might imagine that we've known each other a lifetime from this story, but this was just last Christmas. Unfortunately, we grew up in different countries, although our state/province name started with the same letter, so it's almost like we were from the same place except that we very much weren't. We met a few years ago when we started mutually stalking each other. Everywhere I went, she was there, and everywhere she went, I was there. This continued until it stopped, but our accusations of the other one stalking have never quite stopped. I like to think that it was our souls stalking each other, because they knew we were supposed to be friends, or at the very least acquaintances who accidentally stalk each other.

I wanted to choose a happy song that relates to Katarina, but the best one was Don't Stop Believing so, like a genuine stalker, I decided to search my g-mail for "Yashtastico" and "music" to see if she ever mentioned a happy song. I found a drawn out conversation about the importance of good montage music, but no actual montage music. But then, thinking of montages, I thought of Arrested Development, and how for awhile Katarina and I used to greet each other (or maybe I just greeted her...I can't remember) with "Hey Hermano", because of our mutual love of the show. And eventually, Arrested Development always gets me to The Final Countdown, one of the best montage songs in history. If there is a montage of today, I think it will be to that song.

Also, on a side note, I'm really hoping she went with hobo chic. And I probably won't post anymore today, because this managed to grow pretty fast. However, I might edit. Then again, maeby not.

You Can't Buy Happiness, Even if you Can Buy Monkey Butlers

It was my first day waking up on my BC trip, which means that I was up at 6am due my inability to sleep-in regardless of how late I stay up combined with a 3 hour time change. It was good because I got to see my brother Shamus before he went to work, but bad because then I spent hours waiting for anything interesting to happen. Periodically I would decide to try to befriend Alfred Von Bunnikins, but I think he must have somehow sensed my similarity to Elmyra from Tiny Toons and was smart enough to hide in his igloo whenever I came close.

Since the rabbit clearly wasn't planning on entertaining me, I found a book on baby names and leafed through it until it offended me, as tends to be the case with most books. It had a section on the first impressions that names make with lists of names under titles such as: "Arty", "Charming", "Friendly" etc. I thought, where are the negative adjectives? Then I found it, "Cranky". And what was there, nestled below "Doreen" and "Myrna"? None other than "Sharon". Really? And yet the name "Stormy" is under "Cheerful"? If I ruled the world, I would destroy all copies of this book. Wait, maybe my reaction is a bit cranky. No, I think it's normal, because that book was clearly out to get me. Also, evil.

It also had a list of famous pairs, I guess for those expecting twins. If I had twin boys, I probably wouldn't have much issue with naming them Bert and Ernie. They're solid names. I might call them Robert and Ernest for awhile, just to make it look like I didn't do it on purpose, all the while knowing that eventually someone is going to realize the obvious nicknames and then it will spread like wildfire. I guess it is true that some people shouldn't be allowed to have children, most notably my parents for giving me a cranky name.

So, after thinking about baby names for awhile, my mind drifted to yesterday, when I was at the Edmonton airport waiting for my connecting flight to Abbotsford and trying to steal WiFi to kill time. As you probably know, if you've read my other posts, I have no technical abilities, so I don't know how I did it, but I managed to get a few minutes of Facebook time in before it caught onto me and tried to make me pay. It was just enough time to notice a posting by my friend Birchington Wongstein that perked me up. I hadn't realized that I needed perking until I was perked, but was quite glad it had happened, because I really did need a good perking up, if only to allow me to overuse the word "perk" in my blog today.

When you wake up hours before anyone who might entertain you, it gives you a lot of time to think about things that perked you up (if you're wondering, I am trying to break the record for most instances of the word "perk" and its derivatives. It would probably be easier if I had some idea of what the record is, but I think I'm doing pretty well). Birchington is one of those people who doesn't really need to work to perk up someone's day. Once I tried to tell him this, but it didn't turn out well. First I tried, "You're special.....but not 'special' with quotations," then I went for "No, no, I don't mean it that way, I mean it more like you're precious....but not 'precious' with quotations." So, sitting there, WiFi-less, I spent the time thinking about the number of friends I've been lucky enough to have that can't be adequately described without a word that is also used in quotations when humoring "special" people.

I worry that this blog might be quickly descending towards a rather mushy side today, but I think I need to say that I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about things that I want, like truckloads of money and monkey butlers. But, even a million monkey butlers could not replace knowing someone like Birchington Wongstein, Yelsel D'Stupid, Neyney Charmin, Byla Rong, Katarina Yashtastico, Bark Montes or the dozens of other magical people that I am yet to create clever pseudonyms for. Even if they were to all suddenly disappear from my life, I was beyond blessed to even know them for 2 seconds, so I should probably stop spending all my time thinking about how I might acquire an army of monkey butlers and appreciate what I already have instead. Yeah, I lied when I said I was worried about getting to mushy, because I totally went there, but I'm going to publish this anyways.

To make up for the mushiness, I'm going to tell you my truck stop laundry story. It begins with: Once I was doing my laundry with friends at a truck stop. There, we met a trucker, who we asked if we could drive his truck. He said he would be happy to let us, but didn't think we could handle the 18 gears. I think it was 18, it doesn't matter exactly how many though, because what really matters is that he then said, "That's more than I can count on my hands and feet." At that point you could see everyone looking at there hands and feet, trying to do some quick math in their head and thinking "Wait...somethings wrong..." After the proper timing for optimal effect he said, "That's right, I only have 2 toes" (or 3 toes or something...it doesn't matter, the point is, he was a trucker who was missing multiple toes and clearly used it as smalltalk on a regular basis.) The strangest part of the story is that I don't think anyone in our group thought to ask him how he lost his toes. Or, if they did, I don't remember it, which doesn't seem like me. I usually remember stories that involve anything being severed. So, like most of my stories, this has a lesson: If you meet a trucker and they tell you they are missing any organ or appendage, ask them how, because you'll regret it if you don't. I know I did.

Hobo chic

I've been trying to get my friend Katarina Yashtastico (actually, I feel like this name has a ring to it...go me!) to read my blog, but she's been so busy with wedding planning that she says she just can't fit it in. So, I asked her if she would read it if it were about wedding planning and she said yes, which I think is somewhat unintelligent, because, well, she's met me and should know that I have the time and patience to waste my life on fake wedding advice.

To be honest, I know very little about wedding planning. I've seen people go through it, and it seems painful. I've been thinking that once I find that special someone, I'm going focus my efforts on alienating all those who might possibly want to attend the wedding, just to avoid having to plan one. Some might say it would be easier to just elope, but then I'd have to deal with the complaints about having cheated people out of a meal and open bar, so I'm thinking general alienation might be the simpler route.

But, a blog about wedding planning is what I promised, and a blog about wedding planning is what I shall give you, Miss Yashtastico. How shall I do this? Well, I'm glad you asked. I'm going to do it the way I do most things, using Google. So, to start, I have just googled the term "top wedding planning questions". I will answer the top questions on WikiAnswers until I decide I'm bored of that.

1. How do I plan an inexpensive wedding? Well, I already mentioned the ideal plan for an inexpensive wedding, that being global alienation of all family and friends, but, if you're the type who has some sort of ethical issue with treating your friends like crap just to save a few bucks, might I suggest the theme "hobo chic". Just decorate with things you find beside the road. Centerpieces can be easily crafted from old newspaper, other peoples trashed flowers can be your fabulous bouquet, and various round things can be your wedding bands (nuts, springs, calamari...well, maybe try to avoid perishable things).

2. Are there classes on wedding planning? Really, this is number two? Why look for classes on wedding planning before you've fully explored what information you can get from asking other questions on the internet. Come on people, it's free.

Most of the following questions were about how to become a wedding planner, because apparently there are a lot of people without the desire to run in the opposite direction of anything involving wedding planning. So, I skipped to one that I found more interesting.

3. What is the right way to plan a second wedding? Don't wear white. Everyone will know that you're lying. Colour is more fun anyways. I suggest that you choose the hue based on how many children you have from your previous marriage. For one child, pastels are okay. But if you have, say, 8 kids, I think you pretty much have to go with black, or something very close to it. Again, everyone already knows white is a total lie, so you might as well give them the opportunity to applaud you on your honesty.

Okay, questions are getting boring. So, other wedding advice. Well, I have advice for guests based on previous mistakes I've made (or imagined mistakes...I can't really remember). Apparently, divorce jokes are considered in poor taste. Examples include: "I hope this sticks" (with crossed fingers), "Well, your (insert relationship to bride or groom here) only gets married once...hopefully," and "If this doesn't work out, I call dibs on him" (okay, that last one has never happened, but it sure would have been awkward if it had). Avoid skeptical facial expressions during speeches about the bride and groom, because other guests might not be as fond of honest body language as you are. Regardless of how well you've choreographed your dance to it, requesting "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is a little depressing at a wedding (especially when part of your choreography involves you crumbling into the fetal position for the entire second verse). And, if you have to wear white, try to a least avoid anything with a train, because it seems that's universally frowned upon.