Hobo chic

I've been trying to get my friend Katarina Yashtastico (actually, I feel like this name has a ring to it...go me!) to read my blog, but she's been so busy with wedding planning that she says she just can't fit it in. So, I asked her if she would read it if it were about wedding planning and she said yes, which I think is somewhat unintelligent, because, well, she's met me and should know that I have the time and patience to waste my life on fake wedding advice.

To be honest, I know very little about wedding planning. I've seen people go through it, and it seems painful. I've been thinking that once I find that special someone, I'm going focus my efforts on alienating all those who might possibly want to attend the wedding, just to avoid having to plan one. Some might say it would be easier to just elope, but then I'd have to deal with the complaints about having cheated people out of a meal and open bar, so I'm thinking general alienation might be the simpler route.

But, a blog about wedding planning is what I promised, and a blog about wedding planning is what I shall give you, Miss Yashtastico. How shall I do this? Well, I'm glad you asked. I'm going to do it the way I do most things, using Google. So, to start, I have just googled the term "top wedding planning questions". I will answer the top questions on WikiAnswers until I decide I'm bored of that.

1. How do I plan an inexpensive wedding? Well, I already mentioned the ideal plan for an inexpensive wedding, that being global alienation of all family and friends, but, if you're the type who has some sort of ethical issue with treating your friends like crap just to save a few bucks, might I suggest the theme "hobo chic". Just decorate with things you find beside the road. Centerpieces can be easily crafted from old newspaper, other peoples trashed flowers can be your fabulous bouquet, and various round things can be your wedding bands (nuts, springs, calamari...well, maybe try to avoid perishable things).

2. Are there classes on wedding planning? Really, this is number two? Why look for classes on wedding planning before you've fully explored what information you can get from asking other questions on the internet. Come on people, it's free.

Most of the following questions were about how to become a wedding planner, because apparently there are a lot of people without the desire to run in the opposite direction of anything involving wedding planning. So, I skipped to one that I found more interesting.

3. What is the right way to plan a second wedding? Don't wear white. Everyone will know that you're lying. Colour is more fun anyways. I suggest that you choose the hue based on how many children you have from your previous marriage. For one child, pastels are okay. But if you have, say, 8 kids, I think you pretty much have to go with black, or something very close to it. Again, everyone already knows white is a total lie, so you might as well give them the opportunity to applaud you on your honesty.

Okay, questions are getting boring. So, other wedding advice. Well, I have advice for guests based on previous mistakes I've made (or imagined mistakes...I can't really remember). Apparently, divorce jokes are considered in poor taste. Examples include: "I hope this sticks" (with crossed fingers), "Well, your (insert relationship to bride or groom here) only gets married once...hopefully," and "If this doesn't work out, I call dibs on him" (okay, that last one has never happened, but it sure would have been awkward if it had). Avoid skeptical facial expressions during speeches about the bride and groom, because other guests might not be as fond of honest body language as you are. Regardless of how well you've choreographed your dance to it, requesting "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is a little depressing at a wedding (especially when part of your choreography involves you crumbling into the fetal position for the entire second verse). And, if you have to wear white, try to a least avoid anything with a train, because it seems that's universally frowned upon.