Hindsight is 20/20, except for mine, because I'm nearsighted and I have a slight astigmatism in my left eye.

Last night, while ranting about the worst DJ in history, I forgot to mention that what was really upsetting me was the fact that last night I was the closest I've ever been to catching the bouquet at a wedding, but I didn't. I'd decided that I was not messing around this time, because I've recently accepted that I just plain like to win things. It's a little cruel I know, since I'm not with anyone right now and not the type who would jump into marriage quickly, but I was pretty much okay with dooming all those other single women to spinsterhood for my two seconds of glory, you know, due to the selfishness.

The memory is a little blurry, and, as far as I know, I could have leaped across the whole room for it, taking out everyone in my path, but, as I said, it's a little blurry, so I'm not really sure. Regardless, in the end, it brushed my fingers on the way down, before it landed right beside me. All I needed to do was reach down and pick it up. But I didn't. Because I'm introspective, I'd decided that this was probably a metaphor for something deep and troubling deep inside me, and that is the way I have been telling the story (I tell a good, if disturbing and self-centered, story). But, I'm telling you now, that's a lie.

The truth is, I just really like to follow rules. As soon as that bouquet hit the ground, I was trying to figure out if it was still in play, or if there was going to be a timeout so that we could replay the whole thing. My recent experience with ultimate frisbee may have played into it, where I quickly learned to run away as soon as the frisbee hits the ground, so that someone who can actually throw a frisbee can pick it up. Then I run around praying that they won't throw it to me, since my catching is worse than my throwing. But a bouquet is different from a frisbee in many ways, so this probably has nothing to do with it. I might also have been searching my brain for wedding superstitions, like, "If you pick up a bouquet that fell on the floor, yes, you will be the next one to get married, but your husband will be eaten by piranhas on the honeymoon. Oh, and don't try to just go to Antarctica, or some other place where there are no piranhas, because you will just find them where you least expect it and the surprise will make it all the more horrid. ("Surprise, piranhas for dinner, oh my god, they're still alive! But how...? Oh wait, it doesn't matter because they just ate my eyes.")" By the time I realized that that particular superstition and a few others did not exist until I created them, the bouquet was long gone.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except that I wanted to come clean about the fact that I'm so obsessed with following rules that I let my one bouquet chance slip away. But, I think I'm okay with it in the end, because rules are what separate us from the bears. Rules like: "Don't eat garbage, because, ew," or "Don't maul people at random with your giant bear claws."

Speaking of the importance of rules, I realized today that I'd broken a big one, which was, "When groupies blog about the band they...ummm...group, they should probably give info that might allow one of their five readers to to come to see the band so that they can become famous and desert their first tame groupie in a bizarre and dramatic 'Behind the Music' style series of events." The only excuse I have is that I was so distracted by their insane dancing monkey promises that I didn't give any info that might increase their fan base. On the dancing monkey front, word is that it is going well. I'm hoping they don't get rabies trying to get them, because I'd feel really guilty for pressuring them so much. Also, I've heard hydrophobia doesn't help with singing.

To make up for my bad groupie-ing, I'm going to choose one of their songs for happy song of the day. Unfortunately, I've only seen them live and don't know titles, so my choice is ________ by I Only Date Astronauts. I know the one though, it's the one where I feel like I'm on an epic journey...with a unicorn. Then it goes kind of crazy, so it's more like I'm on a journey with a dragon, but the dragon is still friendly and such, but it also will set my enemies on fire. Then it keeps going crazy and I imagine there are hobbits everywhere, because a really good song should always inspire images of hobbits. Okay, so maybe it's clear that I'm not good at describing the song, but it's good and I like it, so it's happy. Okay? Good.

Hobo chic

I've been trying to get my friend Katarina Yashtastico (actually, I feel like this name has a ring to it...go me!) to read my blog, but she's been so busy with wedding planning that she says she just can't fit it in. So, I asked her if she would read it if it were about wedding planning and she said yes, which I think is somewhat unintelligent, because, well, she's met me and should know that I have the time and patience to waste my life on fake wedding advice.

To be honest, I know very little about wedding planning. I've seen people go through it, and it seems painful. I've been thinking that once I find that special someone, I'm going focus my efforts on alienating all those who might possibly want to attend the wedding, just to avoid having to plan one. Some might say it would be easier to just elope, but then I'd have to deal with the complaints about having cheated people out of a meal and open bar, so I'm thinking general alienation might be the simpler route.

But, a blog about wedding planning is what I promised, and a blog about wedding planning is what I shall give you, Miss Yashtastico. How shall I do this? Well, I'm glad you asked. I'm going to do it the way I do most things, using Google. So, to start, I have just googled the term "top wedding planning questions". I will answer the top questions on WikiAnswers until I decide I'm bored of that.

1. How do I plan an inexpensive wedding? Well, I already mentioned the ideal plan for an inexpensive wedding, that being global alienation of all family and friends, but, if you're the type who has some sort of ethical issue with treating your friends like crap just to save a few bucks, might I suggest the theme "hobo chic". Just decorate with things you find beside the road. Centerpieces can be easily crafted from old newspaper, other peoples trashed flowers can be your fabulous bouquet, and various round things can be your wedding bands (nuts, springs, calamari...well, maybe try to avoid perishable things).

2. Are there classes on wedding planning? Really, this is number two? Why look for classes on wedding planning before you've fully explored what information you can get from asking other questions on the internet. Come on people, it's free.

Most of the following questions were about how to become a wedding planner, because apparently there are a lot of people without the desire to run in the opposite direction of anything involving wedding planning. So, I skipped to one that I found more interesting.

3. What is the right way to plan a second wedding? Don't wear white. Everyone will know that you're lying. Colour is more fun anyways. I suggest that you choose the hue based on how many children you have from your previous marriage. For one child, pastels are okay. But if you have, say, 8 kids, I think you pretty much have to go with black, or something very close to it. Again, everyone already knows white is a total lie, so you might as well give them the opportunity to applaud you on your honesty.

Okay, questions are getting boring. So, other wedding advice. Well, I have advice for guests based on previous mistakes I've made (or imagined mistakes...I can't really remember). Apparently, divorce jokes are considered in poor taste. Examples include: "I hope this sticks" (with crossed fingers), "Well, your (insert relationship to bride or groom here) only gets married once...hopefully," and "If this doesn't work out, I call dibs on him" (okay, that last one has never happened, but it sure would have been awkward if it had). Avoid skeptical facial expressions during speeches about the bride and groom, because other guests might not be as fond of honest body language as you are. Regardless of how well you've choreographed your dance to it, requesting "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is a little depressing at a wedding (especially when part of your choreography involves you crumbling into the fetal position for the entire second verse). And, if you have to wear white, try to a least avoid anything with a train, because it seems that's universally frowned upon.