I'm visiting my brother Shamus in BC this week. I don't get to fly often, so I got pretty excited about it today. I got up early yesterday morning to check in online and stake my claim on a window seat. As I was boarding today, I realized I'd inadvertently chosen a seat in row 15, one of the evil numbers from Lost. I think, as a rule, when flying one should try to avoid anything that could be connected to Lost, like knives or polar bears, so I'm not sure what possessed me to choose one of the numbers. As we took off, I noticed a 23 on the runway and decided I was most likely screwed. I was wrong, but I'm still going to stick with that rule, just in case (and I hate polar bears anyways).
When I fly I like to think of the beginning of Fight Club and wonder if this is the flight where I'll finally get to meet my soap making alter-ego. Could it be the middle-aged Asian woman beside me? I'm thinking that it probably isn't because she seems quite perturbed by me staring at her as I try to size her up. I guess I'll just have to wait until the next time I fly to meet my alter-ego. I bet she'll be tall.
Since my jinxing the flight didn't make it crash on a mysterious island (in Saskatchewan...?) I am now able to blog to you from Shamus' apartment where he lives with his wife Lilliput, their baby Char-char Junior the Second and their rabbit, Alfred Von Bunnikins. Alfred has been shedding lately, so their is fur everywhere. It kind of rolls around the place, like tumbleweeds. I'm trying to figure out how to monetize on it somehow, but the only idea I have so far is that when Char-char is a bit older we can use her tiny dexterous fingers to create elaborate rabbit fur crafts to sell at various novelty shows. Or maybe we can use it to make her whiskers and somehow make money off the resulting cuteness.
Well, that's about all that happened today. I had thought that a plane ride would give lots of blog material, but apparently not so much. The following are some thoughts that don't really have much follow up. Edmonton is a very nice city for a stopover. The writers block in me wishes they were jerks instead, because that makes for good blogging. Mountains make me happy, because of the tallness. I'd like to be a flight attendant because it's like you get to perform a show every time you tell people how not to die in the event of an accident. This random assortment of facts does not a blog make, but I will still put them in to bulk it up.
Actually, I forgot to put something into my blog yesterday, and that to mention the CN tower is exciting to Byla because she's from Yellowknife, where all structures are made of ice, so nothing even close to the CN towers size has ever been built because of the inevitable tower floods in the summer. Sometimes, it's fun to mock where people come from. Just kidding, Byla, you know I'm just jealous because you can stay at a bar until closing and walk home in the sunlight. Actually, I'm not, because I'm a ginger, so sunlight is my enemy.
This post has gone downhill fast, I'm going to blame jet-lag, which is confusing me into thinking that I should have the energy to write this, because the world is still light. But I don't. I wish I'd brought my crayons. Tomorrow I'll get Char-char to write this. She seems to have some awesome graphic design skills. Also, she's a baby, so everything she does is automatically entertaining.
Showing posts with label CN tower. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CN tower. Show all posts
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Hippo Bus!!!
Today was the last day I could spend with my friend Byla for a long time, so we decided to do something special to mark the occasion. Our dream was to ride the Hippo Bus, an amphibious vehicle that gives tours around Toronto. For a month, whenever I felt sad, or bored, or lonely, I would text Byla things like: "Woot woot, Hippo Bus." or "Guess what...Hippo Bus!!!!". I think what's so alluring about it is the thrilling potential of a horrible Hippo bus accident, because, seriously, buses should probably stay on land, even ones with cartoon Hippos drawn on the side. That might just be my opinion, but I think it's a good one.
Regardless of the safety of Hippo Buses, an important rule to live by is: check the price of tourist attractions before you get your heart set on them. I say this because we discovered the Hippo Bus is $38 a person. Pretty much, for $38 you get a 5 minute boat ride, because I'm sure the rest of the tour you're really just waiting to be in the water or wondering why the water part was not as cool as you'd expected it to be. I don't have the experience to know that for a fact though, because we quickly decided that the Hippo bus wasn't for us and instead went to the CN tower.
The CN tower has all the terror of the Hippo bus, but with the added bonus of a no-contact security systems that makes you feel like you're in the future. By the way, I just had to Google "security at the CN tower" to remember what it was called, so there is every chance I've been marked as a potential terrorist. If I stop posting, you should probably assume it's related to that...that or a bear attack. The glass floor is kind of fun, but would be better if it were cleaner, because I want to really imagine that I could fall. I think they should have a second glass floor that you can pay extra for that they carefully de-scuff every night for maximum terror (oh no, I just tried to Google "terror synonyms" because I didn't want to use it twice...this is not going to end well).
The CN tower is full of blatant lies, like the following:
I payed my extra 4 dollars to go up 33 stories and have the city bow to my awesome power, but nothing. I considered asking for my 4 dollars back, but didn't want to deal with the hassle. The point is, never trust anything the CN tower tells you, because it is a liar. Now, at least, I've saved you 4 dollars and a lot of disappointment.
While on the observation deck, I noticed this door:
Then I thought about how I'd walked the entire observation deck and had not noticed an exit route of any kind (well, none that wouldn't lead to immediate death) and was terrified by the futility of the so-called emergency exit. We decided it would be a good idea to take the elevator down shortly after this, which brought us directly into the gift shop, where I decided to take pictures of products I disliked, like this shirt:
How many children could honestly wear this shirt? Based on the father's size relative to the CN tower, it is clear that he is some sort of horrible gigantic mutant. That or a robot. Except, robots can't have children. So he's not a robot. Which brings us back to mutant. The worst thing about it is that giant mutant children probably can't even fit into a child sized t-shirt, so it's like the shirt is teasing them. Finally they find a shirt that accurately expresses their feelings about their giant dad and it's not available in their size. I thought I hated it the most until I saw this book:
Seriously, why do you need to say bears 3 times? And why is it in a CN tower gift shop? I came to this tourist attraction to be scared by heights, not by bears. Here I am, innocently walking around looking at various phallic souvenirs, and then, "Holy crap, 'Bears Bears Bears'"! No warning sign or anything. There is just no awareness of bear phobia in our society, it's ridiculous.
Speaking of phallic souvenirs, Byla commented on how our society has too many phallic symbols, and I said, "You're right, where are all the big hole tourist attractions?" Sometimes it seems that the universe is listening to me, because, within 30 seconds we came across this children's book:
That's my disturbed look. We left the gift shop shortly after that. I wondered if it might have been a better idea to just pay the $38 for the Hippo Bus.
Regardless of the safety of Hippo Buses, an important rule to live by is: check the price of tourist attractions before you get your heart set on them. I say this because we discovered the Hippo Bus is $38 a person. Pretty much, for $38 you get a 5 minute boat ride, because I'm sure the rest of the tour you're really just waiting to be in the water or wondering why the water part was not as cool as you'd expected it to be. I don't have the experience to know that for a fact though, because we quickly decided that the Hippo bus wasn't for us and instead went to the CN tower.
The CN tower has all the terror of the Hippo bus, but with the added bonus of a no-contact security systems that makes you feel like you're in the future. By the way, I just had to Google "security at the CN tower" to remember what it was called, so there is every chance I've been marked as a potential terrorist. If I stop posting, you should probably assume it's related to that...that or a bear attack. The glass floor is kind of fun, but would be better if it were cleaner, because I want to really imagine that I could fall. I think they should have a second glass floor that you can pay extra for that they carefully de-scuff every night for maximum terror (oh no, I just tried to Google "terror synonyms" because I didn't want to use it twice...this is not going to end well).
The CN tower is full of blatant lies, like the following:
I payed my extra 4 dollars to go up 33 stories and have the city bow to my awesome power, but nothing. I considered asking for my 4 dollars back, but didn't want to deal with the hassle. The point is, never trust anything the CN tower tells you, because it is a liar. Now, at least, I've saved you 4 dollars and a lot of disappointment.While on the observation deck, I noticed this door:
Then I thought about how I'd walked the entire observation deck and had not noticed an exit route of any kind (well, none that wouldn't lead to immediate death) and was terrified by the futility of the so-called emergency exit. We decided it would be a good idea to take the elevator down shortly after this, which brought us directly into the gift shop, where I decided to take pictures of products I disliked, like this shirt:
How many children could honestly wear this shirt? Based on the father's size relative to the CN tower, it is clear that he is some sort of horrible gigantic mutant. That or a robot. Except, robots can't have children. So he's not a robot. Which brings us back to mutant. The worst thing about it is that giant mutant children probably can't even fit into a child sized t-shirt, so it's like the shirt is teasing them. Finally they find a shirt that accurately expresses their feelings about their giant dad and it's not available in their size. I thought I hated it the most until I saw this book:
Seriously, why do you need to say bears 3 times? And why is it in a CN tower gift shop? I came to this tourist attraction to be scared by heights, not by bears. Here I am, innocently walking around looking at various phallic souvenirs, and then, "Holy crap, 'Bears Bears Bears'"! No warning sign or anything. There is just no awareness of bear phobia in our society, it's ridiculous.Speaking of phallic souvenirs, Byla commented on how our society has too many phallic symbols, and I said, "You're right, where are all the big hole tourist attractions?" Sometimes it seems that the universe is listening to me, because, within 30 seconds we came across this children's book:
That's my disturbed look. We left the gift shop shortly after that. I wondered if it might have been a better idea to just pay the $38 for the Hippo Bus.
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