Hobo chic

I've been trying to get my friend Katarina Yashtastico (actually, I feel like this name has a ring to it...go me!) to read my blog, but she's been so busy with wedding planning that she says she just can't fit it in. So, I asked her if she would read it if it were about wedding planning and she said yes, which I think is somewhat unintelligent, because, well, she's met me and should know that I have the time and patience to waste my life on fake wedding advice.

To be honest, I know very little about wedding planning. I've seen people go through it, and it seems painful. I've been thinking that once I find that special someone, I'm going focus my efforts on alienating all those who might possibly want to attend the wedding, just to avoid having to plan one. Some might say it would be easier to just elope, but then I'd have to deal with the complaints about having cheated people out of a meal and open bar, so I'm thinking general alienation might be the simpler route.

But, a blog about wedding planning is what I promised, and a blog about wedding planning is what I shall give you, Miss Yashtastico. How shall I do this? Well, I'm glad you asked. I'm going to do it the way I do most things, using Google. So, to start, I have just googled the term "top wedding planning questions". I will answer the top questions on WikiAnswers until I decide I'm bored of that.

1. How do I plan an inexpensive wedding? Well, I already mentioned the ideal plan for an inexpensive wedding, that being global alienation of all family and friends, but, if you're the type who has some sort of ethical issue with treating your friends like crap just to save a few bucks, might I suggest the theme "hobo chic". Just decorate with things you find beside the road. Centerpieces can be easily crafted from old newspaper, other peoples trashed flowers can be your fabulous bouquet, and various round things can be your wedding bands (nuts, springs, calamari...well, maybe try to avoid perishable things).

2. Are there classes on wedding planning? Really, this is number two? Why look for classes on wedding planning before you've fully explored what information you can get from asking other questions on the internet. Come on people, it's free.

Most of the following questions were about how to become a wedding planner, because apparently there are a lot of people without the desire to run in the opposite direction of anything involving wedding planning. So, I skipped to one that I found more interesting.

3. What is the right way to plan a second wedding? Don't wear white. Everyone will know that you're lying. Colour is more fun anyways. I suggest that you choose the hue based on how many children you have from your previous marriage. For one child, pastels are okay. But if you have, say, 8 kids, I think you pretty much have to go with black, or something very close to it. Again, everyone already knows white is a total lie, so you might as well give them the opportunity to applaud you on your honesty.

Okay, questions are getting boring. So, other wedding advice. Well, I have advice for guests based on previous mistakes I've made (or imagined mistakes...I can't really remember). Apparently, divorce jokes are considered in poor taste. Examples include: "I hope this sticks" (with crossed fingers), "Well, your (insert relationship to bride or groom here) only gets married once...hopefully," and "If this doesn't work out, I call dibs on him" (okay, that last one has never happened, but it sure would have been awkward if it had). Avoid skeptical facial expressions during speeches about the bride and groom, because other guests might not be as fond of honest body language as you are. Regardless of how well you've choreographed your dance to it, requesting "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is a little depressing at a wedding (especially when part of your choreography involves you crumbling into the fetal position for the entire second verse). And, if you have to wear white, try to a least avoid anything with a train, because it seems that's universally frowned upon.

Disney and Various Asymmetries

I thought it would feel different being a blogger now, like maybe I'd feel taller or something. Maybe that comes with time.

It's that time of year again when my iPod requires some serious renovations to its play list to help fuel my spring fever. This year, the annual need for excessively happy music has been compounded by the fact that I'm graduating soon, which, I fear, will most likely be followed by my becoming a highly educated hobo (which, although considered superior to vagrants in the hierarchy of modern nomads, won't quite make me enough to pay off the massive debt I've accumulated over a lifetime of school).

To combat this ever present fear of living in a box within a year, and reflect my growing desire to run far far away from my current life (because it consists of school and...school), I've been listening to a lot of Disney movie music. Not just any Disney music, but the "this place sucks, I want to be in this other place because I'm way too awesome for this place" songs. They seem to occur at the beginning of every movie with a female lead. Like "Part of your world" from The Little Mermaid, "Little Town" from Beauty and the Beast, "Just around the River Bend" from Pocahontas, and "Reflection" from Mulan. Oh, I also have "The Bare Necessities", which, even though it doesn't fit that mold, is essential because it helps with my fears of both poverty and bears.

Anyways, this change in music recently led to me belting out "Reflection" into my mirror (because I enjoy being as literal as possible, especially when music is involved). While singing about how the world doesn't know who I am (while simultaneously thinking, "to be honest, my reflection's not so far off from who I am inside, because...damn!") I noticed a strange anomaly. It may have been a trick of the light, but I noticed my left eyelashes seemed significantly darker than my right eyelashes. Immediately I thought, "it's probably just because I'm bad at applying mascara"...but then I remembered, I hadn't worn anything but clear mascara for a month and a half; ever since the moment I realized that general exhaustion brought on by school had led to all emotions (sadness, anger, happiness, indiferrence etc) immediately being followed by me sobbing uncontrollably. So why the colour difference? I don't know, but it didn't really matter because by this point my mind had already moved onto another asymmetry I'd noticed a few years ago.

I detected it while working a summer job in a factory cutting wires (or, more accurately working a machine that cut wires for me, which I would stare at for 10 hours so that if it jammed, I could press the emergency stop button, effectively saving the world from a catastrophic wire explosion, or so I imagined). I quickly learned that the best way to entertain myself through the day was to see how much water I could drink and then use the resulting frequent need for washroom breaks to get a change of scenery. Killing time in the washroom was imperative to this plan, so, washing my hands very slowly gave me the opportunity to notice something odd: the veins on the back of my hands are structured completely differently on the left and right side. And I don't just mean a little different, my left hand has perfectly organized straight veins that all bifurcate at the same perfect level, while my right hand's veins are like weeds, just growing in every direction.

My discovery of this difference really wasn't worth much unless I could figure out which hand was the evil one. It was useful to have such a topic to ruminate on during my long days of waiting for something to go horribly wrong so that I could press the stop button (hopefully with the good hand, or who knows what would happen). Also, given that periodically I was given other jobs that could seriously damage a hand, I thought it would be best to determine my evil hand's identity before it had a chance to sabotage the other one, as evil hands are known to do.

At first I thought, "well, the left is so organized, while the right hand has this whole 'rebel without a cause who doesn't care what you think' thing going on...the right hand totally must be the evil one." But, then I remembered who else was very organized: fascists. There's no way that the fascist hand could be the good one. Then I flip-flopped again, because having lived my life as a southpaw, I'd read enough lefty day calendars (a common Christmas present) to know the sort of prejudice surrounding the left hand, and I just didn't want to be part of that. So, around this point I gave up figuring it out and just hoped for the best. I'll probably regret someday that I didn't really put the work in to ascertain which hand is evil. This day will most likely come once it finally reveals its evil scheme and I'm powerless to stop it because I only have one hand working for me and it's probably a wimp (also, evil hand will have already hog-tied it, because that's what evil hands excel at). I think I'm going to start doing more things with my feet.