Clean!

...or at least clean looking from the angle I originally took the picture from, which is good, because it means most of the floor is clear for dancing. I'm sure the rest of my room will follow suit when it sees the attention that corner is getting.

Having arrived home late last night from the airport, and knowing that the next few days are busy, I took today to finish all the random things I've been avoiding for the last, well, forever. I tried to clean for awhile before I decided I should probably head into school to get some paperwork done. There I ran into my friend Tamari Ferrari, who was nervous because she had a job interview this afternoon. I like to think I'm good at giving unsolicited advice, especially the type that's completely unfounded in reality, so I was eager to help her out. And now, I'm eager to help you out as well, by repeating some of the advice I gave her today.

When approaching any sort of social situation where you feel nervous, it's important to remember that the other person is likely to be just as insecure as you are, but they might be better at hiding it. If you are the kick-ass employee you think you are, then they're going to want to impress you enough to take their job. The key to a good interview is to play into that insecurity, and make sure that everything you do is aimed at keeping them off-kilter. The number one thing that will achieve this is rapid, erratic movements. If they think you're going to zig, but then you zag, it will throw them off completely. As well as totally freaking them out, it sends a clear message that you are probably a gazelle, or maybe a rabbit. But it also sends a message saying, "This person will most likely survive if a bear ever enters our place of business." Unexpected bear attack survival is an admirable trait in an employee, even in a downtown setting.

Another thing to play into your potential employers insecurities is to vary the volume of your voice in a way that does not correspond to anything that you're saying. This is especially effective if your potential employer is old enough to worry about losing their hearing. If you want to take this to the next level, try adding in different accents or periodic singing. They'll be so confused by what's going on that they probably won't notice much else, making this a particularly good tool if you have no idea what you're doing.

The last, and most important way to throw them off is prolonged eye contact. This is how primates signal dominance, or something. Be aware that if they turn out to be dominant to you, they will most likely claw your face off. But, chances are they will crumble under your uninterrupted gaze, and then find you a delicious banana. There might be some moments while utilizing this skill where it feels so awkward that you want to look away. Don't. It's not creepy at all. Really.

Now that you've got the job, think of the person that got you there (by which I mean, me). Then send them money. Remember the ideal way to store such money is in a big bag with a dollar sign on the side. If I get enough, then I'll change it all into pennies and try to swim in it like Scrooge McDuck. Then, the next time you have to interview for a job, maybe it will be cleaning my giant penny pool. It's win-win, or something.